If found please return to: hell
maybe one day you’ll think of her:
that girl you left behind.
you’ll wonder how she is,
what she looks like,
who she loves.
but darling,
there is no need to wonder.
that girl isn’t around anymore.
she was gone
the minute you broke her precious heart
for the first time.
so thank you
because I never wanted to be
the girl that needed you
anyway.
4.23.18
L.W.
I said your name out loud today-
it almost got stuck in my throat
and
writing your name here
does make this pen
burn in my hand
but I live for the pain
and you give me more and more
life
each and every day.
everything still burns-
the way you left me
but also the way you loved me
all the memories,
even the good ones,
still burn in my mind.
so, you,
I do not regret,
as much as I sometimes
wish that I could.
4.23.18
your hello started something in me
something I never got to finish
I had hoped
we would finish it together
but
hope is always ill-advised
and
it is hard to finish a thing
you could never define
scraps and scribbles
memories and notes
aren’t enough
all that’s left to work with
is blue:
blue eyes and heavy tears
blue journals and boutonnieres
blue pills and that
blue lace
everything blue was always for you.
everything blue still is.
but I think you started something in me
with your goodbye
I think I’ve started changing colors
because I no longer want to be blue.
4.23.18
my pen still writes about you
but it can never mention you by name.
that would hurt too much
too real.
this way I can write about you
without having to write about You
I can empty my thoughts onto this heavy paper
without my pen running dry
because You are not here
to suck the ink out of it.
You cannot take these words
these letters to You
they are not for You anymore
they are for me.
I’m letting myself have these.
You’ve taken enough.
haven’t You?
Maybe you’ll wake up Sunday with a tired mind and nowhere to be,
but then you’ll glance at the calendar and remember me.
You’ll remember that there was something you were meant to do;
there was someone you were meant to see.
Every broken piece of me is hoping you’ll call
Hoping you’ll explain why you made a mess of it all.
but you won’t.
You’ll see my name with that ‘happy birthday’
and you’ll briefly remember your own,
and how I was there.
I’ll be missing you,
but you won’t really care.
You’ll walk around all day
a little agitated
because there will be a loud weight on your shoulder:
(it’s usually quiet, but today it’s all you can do to stop the ringing in your ears).
You’ll see the snow falling and shiver
~the thought of me~
You’ll put your playlist on shuffle and hear that one song
~the sound of me~
You’ll follow the curly blonde hair rounding the corner
~the wish for me~
all day.
every little thing
will make you think of me,
but you won’t do anything.
You won’t do anything until you’re four shots deep
scrolling through my photos.
until you’re stumbling home to your dorm late at night
and the familiar scene makes you forget
that you never loved me.
and your phone is pressed against your cheek,
just as mine rings,
but for the first time,
I don’t pick up.
and all you can manage to say to the answering machine
is ‘happy birthday.’
but I’ll never hear it;
my voicemail is full
and my heart grew tired of waiting for you to call
a long time ago.
It hurt.
It still hurts,
More than I care to admit.
There’s a heaviness in my chest,
And an aching in my soul.
Some part of me is missing,
A part that you took from me when you left.
I still don’t know which hurt the most:
Losing you,
Or
Loving you.
It hurt.
It hurt so bad.
There was always a lump in my throat,
And a longing in my heart.
Some part of me was missing,
I part that I thought you could fill.
When we were together,
That hurt like hell.
I never wanted this to end,
But at least now,
I can thank you for setting me free.
Because I would’ve stayed forever,
If only you had asked me to.
